Sunday, March 23, 2008

The things I dont want to talk about....but need to

My life has been a little hectic lately, and not neccisarily good hectic. I am thankful I have my kids, they are my pride and joy, and always make me smile, they help me get through the days, especially the rough ones, and these past few weeks have had some rough ones. I fill like lately all dh and I do together, is argue. Some of it is my fault, maybe I am hormonal, maybe I am easily set off, I don't know. I do know I don't want our marriage or children to suffer. I Love him more than imaginable, but marriage is a 2 way street, and lately I feel like its 1 way.

My husband got demoted last week (the 12th) and consequently was given over a week off (paid) He was a store manager and will now be an assistant, in so many ways this demotion means good things for him and us, so much less stress, I greatly dislike the amounts of stress he was suffering over his job, and I know that this will help us/him tremendously. And he has definitely been through a lot in the last year, between this, the death of his aunt and mother, finding out his teenage daughter is pregnant, a shoulder surgery and finding out that he will need another shoulder surgery on the other shoulder, soon. We moved as well, which can be stressful. But I am frustrated, I feel like our relationship is such a struggle and shouldnt be. I don't want to do anything that will cause him anymore grief but I really dont know how long I can go on this way. He doesn't like to talk about things, and me, well I'm a talker, I have bottled up pain and then when I finally do let it out I'm like an explosion. Add to the mix our completely opposite schedules and things are definitely bumpy.

My children and my husband are my life, my school and my work are to support that life, but at what point do you give up something to support your primary life? Does that question even make sense, I guess what I mean is this, I need to go to school, or my family will live in this struggle that we are in husband is 16 years older than me, and will most likely always be in retail, which there is nothing wrong with, but its not the ideal job to support a family on if you know what I mean. I wonder too if it bothers him, knowing that my earning potential is greater, he has never said it does but I wonder. So then there's this, maybe I should work less now (GULP) this would mean some MAJOR life changes, as my mere 24 hours a week does bring so many benefits into this household....including the kids and my health insurance.. I really don't know, but I do know that somewhere, somehow somethings got to give.


veganmomma said...

Sorry you are in such a tight spot right now, I really feel for you. My only advice is just to follow your instincts. You are a good mom and a good wife, but you can only do so much as one person so don't be so hard on yourself. Would he be open to counseling? It might get him to realize that you are serious and that something needs to change. I love that you can be open online like this, it can be so hard to put your personal life out there like that since as mothers we a often try to gloss over everything and make everyone think we have the picture perfect family. Marriage and family are hard work! I hope this is nothing more than a bump in your road and that you guys get things running more smoothly soon. Until then, BIG HUGS.

Elaine said...

We all have these rough patches, I think. Sometimes I find myself wondering if it's even possible, this whole long term marriage thing. But it always comes around. When it doesn't, then I'll start to worry!

But talk when you need to talk! Let me know if you need to run off for a coffee this weekend... I'm kid free 'til Tuesday.